Photo by Jeff Saward/Labyrinthos

2004 Grand Prize Winner - Diane Terry-Kehner

The grand prize winner in the first Labyrinth Society writing contest was Diane Terry-Kehner. Her winning essay, Paying Attention, is a stunningly accurate description of the "moments of enlightenment" that can be found on the labyrinth.

Paying Attention
by Diane Terry-Kehner 

When I arrived the doors were already closed. Detained by a vendor unable to make change for my purchase, I had hurried through the building to the workshop room, hoping for a delayed start. No such luck. The session was one I had been looking forward to, so even though it was already in progress I entered the room and found a seat with as little fuss as possible.

Most of the room was taken up by a large portable labyrinth, a seven circuit classical design whose lines were actually rocks hand-painted on a blue nylon background. A couple of dozen chairs, mostly occupied, were arranged along the walls. I settled into one of the few remaining seats, catching my breath and collecting myself while rummaging through my bag for my notebook.

The theme of the workshop was forgiveness and resolution. It was one of many presented at the 2001 Gathering of The Labyrinth Society in Atlanta. This was my first Gathering, having recently joined the Society in September of that year. I was a little overwhelmed by all the offerings and had tried to carefully choose the ones I wanted to attend. This one seemed to jump off the page at me, although I couldn’t exactly say why.

The presenter had been talking constantly since my entrance. I tried to listen to her and at the same time peer over the shoulder of the woman next to me in an effort to copy the notes she had already taken. This resulted in me understanding neither the speech nor the notes. Feeling a tiny bit frustrated, I decided to forget the notes and focus on what the presenter had to say.

I tuned in just in time to hear her make a claim that took me by surprise. She was saying that if we entered into this activity with sincere intent, we should be prepared for an experience that would profoundly change our lives. I thought that was rather preposterous! What kind of magical powers did she or her labyrinth have that could alter my life in an hour and a half?

Now, I was no stranger to the mysterious energy of the labyrinth. I had built one in my yard by myself and had been walking it regularly for over a year. I had traveled to Chartres, France on pilgrimage three months earlier and walked the famous cathedral labyrinth there. The journey and process had transformed me on many levels. But all that had happened over time, with much prayer, anticipation and preparation. Rushing in late to this workshop and trying to play catch-up, I was hardly confident that it held anything more profound for me than a calming labyrinth walk.

The presenter was asking us to think about someone that we needed to forgive. I wondered who that could be. I harbored no grudges at that moment. I carried no unexpressed anger or resentment. My marriage was strong and happy. My family was loving and supportive, although life with two teenagers could be challenging at times. My friends were many and I had no real enemies. I thought really hard about this and, coming up with nothing, began to wonder if I had chosen the wrong workshop.
By then the presenter was explaining how the seven paths of the labyrinth paralleled the seven chakras and seven rainbow colors. She listed key words that corresponded with each path and explained that as we walked, we were to focus on the significance of each path as it related to our intent. By going through this exercise, she said, we would work through the process of forgiveness and begin to move toward a resolution. She told us that she would place cards at each turn of the labyrinth with key words and colors to remind us of the correspondences of each circuit.

I knew the technique of using the chakras, colors and key words as a guided meditation and had done it myself several times on my own labyrinth, but for some reason I took notes anyway. Again, the notes seemed to distract me from what the presenter was saying, and I became confused as to what to focus on. Much more confusing was the fact that with every minute I was becoming increasingly frustrated and unable to concentrate, even though I knew she was talking about things that should have been familiar to me. I was starting to get frazzled.

At this point the presenter handed out small note cards and told us to write down our intention for this labyrinth walk. I stared at the blank card for several minutes, unable to formulate any concept of whom or what I needed to forgive. I began to wonder what was wrong with me that I could not follow simple directions. By now my frustration had started to take hold and cloud my thoughts and feelings. I was no longer listening to instructions. Others had already begun to walk the labyrinth and I felt the pressure of urgency to write something down and get on with it. In a final desperate effort, I scribbled something onto the card. It said I want to be closer to my family. Not at all on topic, I thought, but at least I had an intention. I tucked the card into my pocket and got in line to enter the labyrinth.
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Soon it was my turn to begin the walk. I paused at the labyrinth’s mouth and said a little prayer for guidance, then stepped in. I was dismayed to discover that this labyrinth’s first turn was to the right! My own labyrinth at home began with a left hand turn. This seemed very weird, not quite right, like only a reflection of the way I felt things were supposed to be. It disturbed me. I stopped to try to read the first card. The writing was not large enough for me to make out while standing, so I crouched to look at it. Third path, solar plexus, yellow, power and energy. I already knew that! Why had I bothered to bend down and read it? I was annoyed with myself. Calm down and focus, I told myself. Walk and breathe. Walk and breathe. I cleared my mind and slowly walked.

The next card awaited me at the second turn. I had to crouch to read this one, too. My annoyance increased. I told myself to focus on the color and words. Second path, sacral, orange, emotions. I certainly was feeling lots of emotions, and they were not pleasant. I’m wasting my time. This isn’t getting me anywhere. Why can’t I see the cards? I can’t relate to this mirror image labyrinth configuration. Once more I attempted to clear my mind and return to my breathing.

The next turn was coming up now. I wondered if I should even bother to try to read the card. There were three people at the turn. One had stopped to look at the card and the others, obviously on their way out, were trying to get past without bumping into anyone. I can’t wait here for this mess to untangle! I know what that card says. I’m just going to skip it and walk around this jam up. So I did.

The third path on the outside, being the longest, gave me enough time to settle myself and relax a little. Almost immediately, images of my mother came to me. Finally, here was something I could focus on. My mother and I had a close but somewhat strained relationship. Although we had many misunderstandings and arguments, our love for each other always led us to forgiveness. This seemed a propos, so I meditated on it until I reached the next turn, grateful for a short reprieve from all the frustration I had experienced up to that point. As I was soon to realize, it was not to last.

The fourth path took me back into the heart of the labyrinth. It was crammed with people coming and going! My meditation was interrupted and it made me angry, too angry to even bother looking for the next card. All these people are getting in my way! They’re all succeeding at this activity and I’m the only one who isn’t. How am I supposed to reach any kind of state of forgiveness and resolution when I feel nothing but annoyance and resentment toward everyone crowded around me? Baffled by the mirror image labyrinth, I was unable to locate myself on the path. An overwhelming sense of failure and loneliness began to set in.

I completed the last three turns and paths feeling intensely aggravated by the entire experience, unable to see any of the cards or follow any of the directions, and jockeying for personal space amongst the other walkers who all seemed to me to be enjoying themselves. Even my feeble hope for a moment of peace in the center was
denied because I was too distracted by my raging emotions and the intruding physical presences of the others. This was the worst labyrinth walk I had ever had!

I was tempted to walk right off the labyrinth from the center and get out of the room entirely, but I thought that would be rude and disruptive. So I quietly but angrily made my way back out along the winding path as quickly as possible, sulking like a child the entire way. I exited the labyrinth nearly in tears. Profound life transformation? Hah!!! More like a profound insult to my self esteem! I felt like my trust had been betrayed.

Back in my seat, tears of failure and dismay overwhelmed me. I had no explanation for what had just happened and no idea what to do about it. Crying provided a release for the anger and frustration but left me without direction and bewildered. What am I supposed to do now? Why was I so angry? What does this all mean?

A gentle hand on my shoulder interrupted my confusion. A woman was offering me a tissue and a smile, asking if I needed help. Wiping my tears, I searched for the words to explain myself but came up short. I could only stammer about my anger, frustration, confusion and disappointment. The woman listened intently, and then delivered what would be my first clear message of the session. She said, "You should probably ask yourself why this was such a bad experience for you. Your strong feelings could mean that there is something here you need to pay attention to." Something I need to pay attention to. Of course! But that was exactly what I had been unable to do all along. I took a long, deep breath and focused on clearing my consciousness of all the whirling emotions as I slowly exhaled.

Searching for just one thing to focus on, I remembered the note card I had tucked into my pocket before the walk. I took it out, unfolded it, and stared at it in growing amazement. I want to be closer to my family, it said. Something I need to pay attention to....pay attention to......PAY ATTENTION! Suddenly the reality of the experience became stunningly obvious. My whole family, my husband, my son, my daughter, even my mother, have Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD. Paying attention is their greatest challenge in life, a never-ending struggle that often leads them to confusion, frustration and sometimes anger. I do not have ADHD. It had always been difficult for me to understand the disorganized and sometimes chaotic world of my dear family members. I often found myself without patience or compassion for them. But the labyrinth had granted my wish, my request to grow closer to my family. The labyrinth had given me the experience of having ADHD!!!

This revelation shot through the entire workshop experience like a laser beam, shedding light on every step of the way. The energies of the universe had been at work for me even before the session started, delaying my arrival and setting the tone of confusion and disorientation. The paths of the labyrinth that were reversed from my habitual practice, my inability to see the cards, the press of people along the path, my desperate wanting to understand and to experience thwarted at every turn, all of this brought me to the height of frustration and emotional distress that my loved ones must experience to some degree every day. It was astonishing!

My tears again began to flow, but this time they were tears of elation and gratitude. The labyrinth had brought me a mysterious gift, even as I scoffed at the thought that such a profound change could have occurred in such a short time. I thanked the woman for her kindness, rose from my chair and walked joyously back to the mouth of the labyrinth.

By now most of the people had finished their walk and the labyrinth was nearly empty. I greeted the first right turn with a happy heart, and then followed the path slowly and smoothly. With every step I grew closer to my husband, my children, and my mother. With every turn I consciously forgave them for their impulsiveness, their distractibility, their messiness, their frustration and their anger. When I reached the center I prayed for their forgiveness for my impatience and lack of compassion. On the way back out I forgave myself.

I returned to the world and then to my home giving thanks to the universe for my wonderful gift from the labyrinth. Of course my family members still have ADHD and I am still sometimes exasperated by their behavior. But now when I watch them struggle with the simplest of things, when I see them becoming frustrated or angry, when I know they are not listening, I remind myself of my own feelings of disorientation and despair while walking the labyrinth that day. Now, instead of always losing patience, I stop and smile more often. I try to reach out and be more compassionate. Now, I recall how lost and alone I felt, and how grateful I was for a gentle hand on my shoulder and a kind word of advice from someone who cared. I remember how it made all the difference.

That day, my heart was opened to the turmoil of daily existence from another point of view. The labyrinth gave me the rare and humbling experience of walking a path other than my own and I was changed because of it. All I had to do was to start paying attention.

Copyright 2004, Diane Terry-Kehner

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